we leave in 3 hours. woo hoo!
my day is picking up.
:)
http://www.warhol.org/calendar/events_detail.php?eventID=1115&dateYear=2008&dateMonth=5
glenn kaino's page here on uber.com
http://www.uber.com/mypage/?entity_id=243250941

im so excited.
almost packed. and found my camera so we can make little videos.
glenn is really talented and im very honored to be working with him on all of these projects..

:)

w.p. from the cellar when i thought i was gonna puke. still like it though..

the void.
i want to hide under my bed.
im feeling tired.
ive done nothing but constantly work and create for the last 6 weeks. im drained.
im so drained im not that excited right now.
its like someone is sucking my lifeforce out with a straw.
and my heart is heavy.

im glad ill have some time on the road. im feeling burnt christmas.

i totally knocked her up and she's trippin'

im really frustrated today.
i keep wanting to punch something or scream.

last night i went to dinner with kristin, justin, billy, laura (jt leroy) and some other people and i felt right at home with them. we are all weirdos...but creative wierdos.
billy of course has been close to me for a while. and ive watched first hand as he has gone through some really important and difficult changes. so my view on the world has been formed through watching my friends succeed and fail on large scales and from that ive formed my opinions on what i think really matters. i have a few friends who are legitimately famous. and by that i dont mean "internet famous" which is a hard thing to gauge.. but friends who are known worldwide. and my opinion is that fame is an illusion so you might as well spend your time creating what you want to leave behind you. there's no point chasing something that is fleeting. the goal has to be something more than that. laura went on a brilliant rant last night and we just sat there taking it in. everyone in the world has a different opinion on her and her work. but to sit and listen to her talk is like reading a good book. we got into a talk about the culture we are in and it was exactly what i needed to hear. when i met her savannah was still pretending to be jt leroy and all the celebrities wanted to be savannah's friend because laura gave her character a voice. i dont call it fraud. i call it survival. but that's another topic for another day.. basically one point she made was that some of us might have 100,000 people paying attention at one time but if we arent saying anything of value then it means absolutely nothing. someone might have a youtube video that gets a million views but if there's nothing more than that then the collective is going to turn away and forget. people forget even our biggest celebrities. so how come right now the focus is less about making something that means something and more about screaming and yelling or being a gimmick so that the spotlight turns for a second.
what does it mean? what's the point?
why is everyone so hungry for fame? to feel legit? to feel loved? to feel appreciated? these are things fame DOESNT give you. that's all internal. anyway i have to run. but... i have purple hair because i am currently "violent violet". i make up characters and look like them for a time.. i wear what i wear because i love it. i do what i do because i dont know what else to do.. i dont want to be a gimmick. i want to do something that matters. the whole world is in despair. they dont think anything they say means anything. so everyone turns to the internet and they'll say whatever it is they have to say to get that attention they are starving for.

fingers are crossed for some future opportunities..

I'm just laying here. I was reading. Batman comic then choke by
palahniuk. Then for no reason I was staring at my old red clock think of
all the people I've been in my life and how I wish I was a defined
character in a book so I could know who I am.

i need to find my camera battery charger. veronica and audrey took pictures of our trip to coachella. we weren't there very long. but the drive was so calming for my nerves.

FAT

why is everyone so obsessed!!!!!!!
im 5 7 and i weigh 140.. in WHAT distorted way of thinking is that fat?
should i starve myself? puke? for a retarded standard held in a society that is unhealthfully overweight and whose models are getting thinner and thinner and thinner and thinner til soon they'll have to have organs failing in order make the grade?
GAAAAAH.
i go from 137 to 147 depending on the time of the month. WHO CARES
im healthy. i eat. i exercise. i dont crash diet, over exercise and i try to keep a healthy outlook.
that's fucking amazing considering the lows ive had in the past with eating disorders..
im really proud to say im four years recovered.
but..
it still hurts to hear when someone says im fat or ugly or whatever. im human! words hurt!
people who say that you the internet isnt real and we should all laugh it off or say something back are as bad as the abusers themselves.
i just had to vent!
its been a big subject this week in our house. it really disturbs me. why are people so hateful?
i want to do all i can do to try to put the OPPOSITE message out..
certain people just make me soo mad!
everyone worries about what they look like.. everyone is way too hard on themselves.
!!!!